


it's not living (if it's not with you)

by quirkily



Series: why can't we be friends when we are lovers? [3]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Bisexual Derek "Nursey" Nurse, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gay William "Dex" Poindexter, M/M, Nursey's poetry, POV William "Dex" Poindexter, Poet Derek "Nursey" Nurse, Poetry, bc we get mushy at the end trust me, bitty and ransom worry about dex bc they are very sweet, bitty mothers dex to death, but hang in there!!, but it is not as sappy as you might expect, i totally didnt have this idea while sleep deprived at 3 in the morning nooo, nursey really should be a drama student based on his dramatic bitch levels in this, or angsty, pure crack if we being honest, to the hockey team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22264435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quirkily/pseuds/quirkily
Summary: Derek comes out and stands next to him, and they stay like that for a while, breathing in the chilly air and looking out at the campus.For once, the quiet is comfortable, something silence has never been to Will or Derek, too much history of things left unsaid. Maybe this is what love means, Will thinks, being content with all of the moments in between.He thinks of Derek’s poem, of them paving a future together. If it’s one full of silences like this one, Will knows they’ll be just fine.
Relationships: Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter
Series: why can't we be friends when we are lovers? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1392793
Comments: 17
Kudos: 126





	it's not living (if it's not with you)

**Author's Note:**

> i apologise to anyone who thought this coming out scene would be serious or sweet but also, with these two disaster children?? i think not
> 
> enjoy

The Haus feels empty without Derek. 

Will is certain it’s some sort of universal karma, life coming full circle from all that time he spent excruciatingly aware of Nursey’s every move around him, desperately wishing him away. He’s equally as attuned to Derek’s presence as he was back then, but now it’s his absence that’s bothering him, and his chest aches with missing him. 

It's been worse ever since Bitty noticed. 

He probably would have anyway, they’re the only two left in the Haus this break, and with no one else to worry over, Will has gained Bitty’s undivided attention. But apparently Bitty’s hawk-eyes were too kind a fate for Will, so instead, Will managed to spell it out for him three days into the holidays. 

“You look a sorry state,” Bitty had commented, glancing up from the dough he was rolling. 

Will had shrugged and pushed as much sarcasm as he could muster into his voice, “Well, I don’t have Nurse’s handsome face around to cheer me up, do I?”

Whatever mix of emotions he had been feeling must have been written all over his face, because Bitty had read him like a cookbook. 

It had taken him a while to comprehend why Bitty was giving him the look of concern branded his “mother hen” look by the rest of the team. Had he not been adequately sarcastic? Had he been too sarcastic and now Bitty thought they were fighting again? 

Then Bitty had said, “Oh you poor thing, you’ve got it bad.” 

And it had hit Will like a ton of bricks. He had called Derek handsome. Out loud. To someone other than Derek himself. And he hadn’t been joking. He’d been so focused on emphasising that he wasn’t missing Nursey, that he had complimented him in the process. 

Only months ago, Will would have referred to Derek’s face as  _ ‘pretentious’ _ , or ‘ _ hipster-looking _ ’, or even as  _ ‘having had one too many hits on the ice, if you get my drift’ _ . 

Will had no way to backtrack or deny it, so he’d shrugged and Bitty had been giving him anxious glances ever since. 

Will knows he could have just told Bitty they were dating, could have told him at any point over the past two weeks and saved himself a lot of pain, but it felt wrong. 

Despite having discussed it, Will and Derek haven’t made any decisions towards coming out to the team yet, and it feels wrong to tell Bitty without Derek knowing. Not that he thinks Derek would be particularly upset with Bitty knowing. 

He also feels weird about telling Bitty without the rest of the team, like it’s some big secret that has to be confided one at a time. If he’s being honest, Will kind of just wants to casually announce it at breakfast and move on. 

But now Bitty is convinced that Will has this massive crush on Derek, and he’s pretty sure from the abundance of sad looks and lack of encouragement to pursue it, that Bitty thinks its unrequited. 

Which despite being awkward, is also kind of hilarious to Will, who knows that Derek does in fact return his feelings. 

He can’t help being glad that he isn’t currently having a pining crisis after Nursey, because Bitty would have successfully convinced him that it was doomed. 

His phone pings with a text from Derek.

It’s a photo of Derek out at a fancy restaurant with his mums, paired with the caption “ _ I had to tell Ma not to order the lobster because I couldn’t let her eat one of your friends xx”. _

Will snorts and texts,  _ “you do realise we don’t catch them to sell them at pet shops?”  _

When he glances up from his phone, Bitty is hovering in the living room doorway looking anxious. He raises an eyebrow and Bitty flushes, “Oh, Dex, I think there’s something wrong with the oven again, can you check for me please?”

Will resists rolling his eyes and gets up, “Sure thing, Bitty.”

Even before looking at the oven, Will knows there’s nothing wrong with it. There was nothing wrong when he checked yesterday. Or the day before. Just like there was nothing wrong with the washing machine. Or the dishwasher. Or the fridge. 

Part of him appreciates that Bitty is doing his best to be a good friend and distract him from his romantic woes, but most of him is just really looking forward to the Haus being full of other people for Bitty to worry about. 

\--- 

It takes all of Will’s effort not to run over and embrace Derek when he walks in the door, but he manages. 

Instead, he grins and walks slowly over, squeezing Derek’s arm before helping him carry his luggage up to their room. Derek packs far more than is practical for a two-week break to his home that’s already full of clothes. It gives Will a believable excuse to get him alone, which he is especially grateful for as he feels Bitty’s eyes burning into his back all the way up the stairs. 

As soon as the door is closed behind them, Will drops Derek’s bags and leans his head against his chest, letting out a long frustrated groan. 

Derek laughs and drops the rest of his bags, bring his arms up and around Will, “Miss me that much, huh?”

“No. Well yeah, obviously, but that is only part of the issue.”

“Oh?”

Will hums and nods, lifting his head to steal a kiss before sighing and stepping away, rubbing a hand across his forehead, “Bitty has been a well-intentioned pain in the arse all break.” 

“Are we talking about the same Bitty?” Derek laughs.

Will laughs too but it turns into another groan, “Unfortunately.”

He moves over to their desk and sits down, “He’s convinced that I have this big unrequited crush on you and that he has to look after me otherwise I’ll collapse from a broken heart or some such bull.”

Derek laughs again and gives him a funny look, “How did he come to this realisation?”

Will shrugs nonchalantly, “I may have said that you were attractive and that I missed you.”

Derek smirks and walks over to him, “Oh is that right?”

Will nods seriously before grinning, and Derek settles himself into Will’s lap, kissing him deeply.

“Well I am extremely attractive, that’s hardly incriminating, it’s more a fact of life-”

Will pulls him into another kiss, “Shut up, Nurse.”

Derek kisses him back for a few seconds, before pulling back, “I missed you too, Will.”

They smile softly at each other for a second before Derek’s brows furrow. 

“Wait. You didn’t just tell him we were dating?”

Will feels suddenly awkward and put on the spot, “Um.”

Derek smoothes his hands soothingly where they rest on Will’s shoulders, “Sorry. That’s fine. I don’t want to pressure you into anything. We don’t have to come out to anyone yet. Or at all.”

Will knows Derek well enough to pick up on the insecurity in his voice and knows instantly what Derek is thinking. 

“Don’t be stupid,” Will says, “Of course I want the team to know. I’m not embarrassed by you or anything. They all already know I’m gay. I wanna be able to kiss you without overthinking it.”

“But?” Derek prompts, and Will feels him relax.

“I just…,” Dex tries to think of how to say what he means, “I don’t want it to be a big deal. Except that it is a big deal. But I don’t want to do what Jack and Bitty did, where they like, sat everyone down. But I also don’t want to just make out with you at a party and have everyone wondering if we’re just hooking up or what’s going on.”

Derek nods thoughtfully.

Will leans forward and rests his head on Derek’s shoulder, breathing in his cologne. He’s missed falling asleep to the smell of Nursey these past two weeks. 

Dear God, he’s gone soft.

“Well…” Derek starts, and Will looks up warily. 

“This can’t be good.”

“I didn’t hear anything about a big dramatic announcement.”

Will narrows his eyes, “I don’t know what you’re thinking but I don’t like it. I don’t like attention, Derek. I don’t want the entire campus staring at me.”

Derek shakes his head, “No, just the hockey team.”

Will stares at him for a beat longer before sighing, resting his head back on Derek’s shoulder, “Fine. I knew what I signed up for when I started dating you.”

“That you did, William, that you did.”

\---

Will spends the next week on high-alert, waiting for Derek to traipse into the Haus carrying balloons or to set up a stereo in the front yard. 

The Haus is full again at this point, back to its bustling homely self, and Bitty is so preoccupied with feeding everybody that he only has time to give Will the ocassional worried glance.

Will has pretty much decided that Derek was kidding about the big romantic gesture, and thinks that he’s going to have to talk to Derek about actually making a plan to come out. 

As if on cue, Derek leaps through the doorway into the dining room, a notebook in his hand and a glint in his eye. 

Most members of the team continue to serve up breakfast and chat amongst themselves, not yet aware of Derek’s presence until Chris lets out a loud, “Oh hey, Nursey! What’s that you’ve got there?”

“My poetry!”

The whole table falls silent and turns to face him. Derek is notorious for not sharing his poetry with anyone outside of the confines of class or a poetry reading. 

Derek takes full advantage of the silence to leap into a speech Will is sure he has prepared, “I don’t know how everyone else’s break was but mine was incredible! And full of inspiration because,” he pauses to make sure he still has everyone’s attention, “I got a boyfriend!”

Will makes a choked sound that’s a mix between a laugh and a groan, and instantly feels both Chowder and Bitty’s eyes on him. 

He meets Chris’ eyes first, smiling to reassure him that yes, he did agree to this and no, he isn’t being dumped into one of Nursey’s crazy schemes. 

Before he can meet his gaze, Bitty is shuffling towards him from the kitchen and saying, “Dex, could you help me,” in what is clearly a desperate attempt to get him out of the room.

Will shakes his head softly and says, “I’d like to hear Nurse’s poetry if that’s alright, Bitty? I’m sure the washing up can wait.”

Bitty gives him a look that clearly relays that he believes Will is a masochist, before humming and sitting down slowly at the table. 

Everyone else has spent this time congratulating Derek and cheering. Will just catches the end of someone asking how serious it is, before Derek replies in a dramatic voice with his book clutched to his chest, “He’s the love of my life!”

Will is mostly certain that Derek is joking, or at least exaggerating, as implied by his dramatics but Will feels his face flush anyway.

Derek continues, “And I just can’t keep all of these feelings held within me anymore, so I’m here to express a poem of my affections to start off your morning with the beauty of love…”

Ransom and Holster cheer and clap, while everyone else stares on in a state of awe and shock.

Derek clears his throat, “He has the name of a poet, a great gay pinnacle of literature, the only worthy name for the gay pinnacle of my heart’s affections…”

Is Derek honestly comparing him to Shakespeare? Will is very openly rolling his eyes at Derek now, not sure if anyone else has yet caught the reference. Derek talks about enough queer poets that he doubts it.

“His fiery passion ignites my soul, engulfing me in red feelings of heat-.”

Will snorts, and it comes out a lot louder than he meant it to. Will knows very little about poetry, despite any comparisons Derek might be making, but even he can tell that this poem is not meant to be good. He highly suspects that Derek is using it not only to come out but also to dissuade anyone from asking about his writing in the future. 

Derek stops reading and he feels everyone’s eyes on him now. He smirks, “I’m not sure that’s a good thing Nurse, your boyfriend sounds like an asshole.”

The feeling around the table turns uneasy, and he hears some muttering before Ransom speaks up, “Hey now, Dex, why don’t we go help Bitty with the washing up?’

It takes Will less than a second to realise that Bitty has likely informed everyone of his ‘crush’ on Nursey, and a quick glance around the table at everyone’s pitying looks confirms it. 

Will lets out an amused sigh, “It’s alright, it’s not like I’m jealous of Nursey’s stupid boyfriend.”

The looks Will receives in return are decidedly unconvinced. 

Before Bitty or Ransom can shuffle him out of the room, Will says “Sorry Nursey. Please, go on,” and smiles, catching Derek’s eye.

Derek lets out a long sigh, shaking his head, “No, it’s okay, since Dex clearly doesn’t like this one, I’ll just try another.”

He flips a couple of pages before looking up, grinning, and honest-to-god  _ winks _ at Will. 

Will has just long enough to think  _ ‘oh no’ _ before Derek starts, “I call this one  _ ‘Passion Under the Sheets’ _ , it’s about our incredible sex life, honestly the best sex I’ve ever had-”

Will is pretty sure that he actually does choke this time, inhaling the toast he’s been slowly eating the whole time. He coughs a couple of times, downs his juice, and stands up. 

“Alright, that’s enough.” He walks over to Derek, ignoring the protests from the table behind him, and plucks the book right out of Derek’s hand. As he suspects, the page simply reads  _ ‘insert sexy times poem here.’ _

He shakes his head, “You’re such an idiot, Nursey.”

Derek grins, and Will pulls him into a kiss. They make out for a couple of seconds, until Will becomes acutely aware of the room of people behind him and he pulls back. 

He clears his throat, keeping his gaze trained on Derek, and mutters, “I’m not jealous of Derek’s stupid boyfriend because I  _ am _ his stupid boyfriend.”

Feeling a sudden need to leave the room, Will keeps a hold of the book, just in case, and quickly retreats to the kitchen to do the promised washing up. 

He hears the exact moment the silent room behind him erupts into chaos. Derek laughs and says, “He’s so sweet, and caring, and just  _ loves _ PDA…” 

Will smiles.

\--- 

Derek’s nervous.

Will can tell because Derek’s ordinary levels of clumsy, which are already higher than most, have pretty much doubled. 

He reassures Derek that he doesn’t have to read out his poetry tonight, that no one will judge him if he pulls out, but Derek is insistent.

Will doesn’t add that he’s pretty sure the team are already judging his poetry skills, and that whatever he reads tonight will be better than the shitty stuff he made up on the spot earlier in the month. 

Will had tried to explain to the team that from what he’d been allowed to read, Derek was actually really good at poetry, and the stuff he’d read before hadn’t actually been written down, but he’s pretty sure the team just thought Will was too overcome with love to be a good judge of talent. 

It all seemed to be sorting itself out when Derek invited the whole team to the next poetry night the college was running. 

Except now Derek’s nervous. 

As Will watches Derek trip down the stairs for the third time that day, he finds himself genuinely worried for how the event is going to go. 

If they even manage to get to the event with Derek still in one piece. 

“Careful there, Nurse, we can’t afford an ambulance.”

Derek shoots him a funny look from the base of the stairs.

Will shakes his head, “All right, rich boy, we can’t  _ emotionally _ afford an ambulance.”

Derek croons, “Aww, William, you do care.”

Will snorts, “Nah, I just don’t want to have to explain how you managed to trip over your own damn feet. The second-hand embarrassment would be too painful.” 

Derek wraps an arm around him as he reaches the bottom of the stairs, and gives him a genuine smile, “Guess I’ll just have to hold on to you then.”

Will smiles fondly, “I think we can manage that.”

\---

Everyone in the room has their eyes trained on Derek. 

For a beat he just stands there, staring off into the distance, and Will is afraid he’s going to have to go and drag him off stage to somewhere quiet.

But then he starts, leaping headfirst into his poetry and letting it overtake him. Will watches the words tumble out of him, eloquently, passionately, rooted in fire and pain. 

Derek’s eyes are still trained on the wall, but Will’s eyes are trained on Derek. 

He feels the words deep in his chest, listens to Derek lament on a battlefield of love, and  _ knows _ . 

Derek murmurs the last line, “ _ I still gave you all the fight I had”,  _ and Will is overtaken by an unfathomable pain and joy. He wishes desperately that he had never caused Derek so much grief, but he’s so thankful that their story didn’t end there.

_ We kept fighting _ , he thinks urgently.  _ We got here, didn’t we? _

As if hearing his thoughts, Derek locks eyes with Will. It’s barely a second before the room erupts in applause, Hockey boys cheering like Nursey’s just won the season, the rest of the room glancing over disdainfully as if to say,  _ ‘this isn’t your scene boys, it’s ours.’ _

But it isn’t. This moment, this room, it all belongs to the two of them. Nursey and Dex. Derek and Will. 

And then in the next moment, Derek is grinning, and leaning back into the mic. “I’ve got one more tonight if the back row will quiet down.” 

Snickers erupt from the boys around him and Will thinks he faintly makes out Bitty scolding someone, but then the whole room dutifully falls silent. 

This time when the whole room has its eyes trained on him, Derek meets Will’s eyes and says, _“Together.” ___

____

____

The silence is palpable as Derek waits for a beat, two, three before continuing.

____

____

_ We pave our way to a better future _

____

____

_ The stones underfoot stronger than ever before  _

____

____

_ The blood underneath them not forgotten, but forgiven  _

____

____

_ Reparations  _

____

____

_ Our love seemed impossible but now I see it was _

____

____

_ Inevitable _

____

____

_ Foretold, by whispers in the wind  _

____

____

_ Pure chance, a glance, fates twisting together in that moment _

____

____

_ Perhaps there is a universe where I do not love you _

____

____

_ But it must be one where we do not meet _

____

____

_ For after seeing into the depth of your soul _

____

____

_ How could I ever turn away? _

____

____

_ I am no damsel waiting in a tower _

____

____

_ But you saved me just the same  _

____

____

Will’s heart is fuller than he ever imagined was possible.

____

____

\---

____

____

Bitty catches him outside after the event, while the others slowly stream out into the night on their way home and Derek is still inside packing up and chatting to his poetry buddies.

____

____

He punches Will’s arm softly and says, “So y’all are dating then, huh?”

____

____

Will laughs but it comes out a bit forced, “Yeah, bit of a shock, I know. You seemed very convinced that I was hopelessly pining in secret.”

____

____

This time Bitty punches his arm harder. “William Poindexter! I am only surprised that you two actually sorted your shit out. I expected at least another year of tiptoeing around the issue before you idiots finally confessed. I suspect Chowder must have helped?”

____

____

Will laughs at the immediate jump to Chris playing matchmaker and then laughs again because it’s sort of true. 

____

____

Then the rest of what Bitty said catches up to him and he says, “Wait what?”

____

____

Bitty rolls his eyes lovingly, “I’m sorry I assumed that y’all weren’t dating, but it wasn’t because I didn’t think Nursey loved you -- gosh you can see that a mile away -- but because I didn’t think either of you would actually ever say anything. When I tell you I thought that boy was trying to get over you with some other red haired firecracker, well, I’ll just say I’m glad we’ve all been spared that can of angsty worms.”

____

____

Will smiles, “Thanks, Bitty.”

____

____

It’s not enough, he supposes, to encapsulate just how grateful he’s feeling right now, but he thinks Bitty understands how genuine he is anyway. 

____

____

Bitty glances inside and then smirks up at Will, “Your man’s on his way. I’ll catch you both back at the Haus.” 

____

____

Will turns to meet Derek’s eyes through the window, and when he looks back, Bitty is gone. 

____

____

Derek comes out and stands next to him, and they stay like that for a while, breathing in the chilly air and looking out at the campus. 

____

____

For once, the quiet is comfortable, something silence has never been to Will or Derek, too much history of things left unsaid. Maybe this is what love means, Will thinks, being content with all of the moments in between. 

____

____

He thinks of Derek’s poem, of them paving a future together. If it’s one full of silences like this one, Will knows they’ll be just fine.

____

____

He almost hates to break it, but he knows that Derek’s anxiety will catch up with him any second, so he starts, “That was beautiful.”

____

____

So is Derek’s smile when he meets Will’s eyes.

____

____

“Yeah?”

____

____

Will nods to the ground, shuffling his feet. “You got one thing wrong, though.”

____

____

“Oh?”

____

____

He looks up at the stars overhead, and grabs Derek’s hand, “There isn’t a single universe where I don’t love you, Nursey. There isn’t a life where we don’t meet. There can’t be.”

____

____

He pulls Derek in close and looks into his eyes, and in that moment he’s sure he can see every life they’ve ever loved each other, stretched out across space and time. 

____

____

“It’s not really living if it’s not with you, is it?” 

____

**Author's Note:**

> so this started out with a crack idea i had at 3am and ended with the sappiest shit ive ever written. Huh. true chaotic bi energy ! 
> 
> Also when i tell you that the poem took me longer to write than the rest of the fic. If i hadn’t wanted to do a big romantic poetry reading trope, y’all could’ve had this MONTHS AGO. apologies. 
> 
> anywho come follow me on twitter @__quirkily (thats two underscores) to see whatever fandom ive fallen into this week


End file.
